Anger Management

Posted on Sun Jan 17th, 2021 @ 9:47am by Crewman Apprentice Talee Malena & Lieutenant Amanda Rose

1,676 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Into the Unknown
Location: Counseling Offices

=/= Begin Log =/=

....Talee grumbled as her first of many mandated counseling sessions were to begin today. She had nothing against counseling, she just didn't she needed it. Hitting on the chime she waited to be invited in, knowing that if she missed just one session she would kicked out.

Amanda had just settled into her office when she heard the chime. She had not yet had the chance to really decorate the office but some soothing paintings of water landscapes with trees or mountains in the background were on the walls. In a pleasant voice, she called, "Come in!"

The door swished open, Talee took a deep breath before entering what she saw was the lions den, {hell, maybe it won't be that bad,} a part of her mind thought as she stepped into the office.

Once Talee came in, Amanda started to observe how she entered the room. She was young but obviously did not want to be here. That was not unusual but it made earning trust even more important.

Talee's fingers drummed on her legs, her eyes darting about not looking for an escape, well maybe again cultural brining up again, it was tough shake, "....so, I am guessing you know why I am here?"

Amanda did not confirm nor deny Talee's question. Instead, she asked a question of her own, "Why don't you tell me why you think that you're here?"

"...," Talee opened her mouth but then closed it, {don't play well with others, spend way too much time in my own head,} Talee thought, {or better yet just look at the file,} she continued to think before finally looking back at the counselor, "...I am doing this so I don't get kicked out," Talee finally said.

Smiling pleasantly, Amanda nodded and said, "I see. So, why don't you want to get kicked out?"

And yet again Talee didn't know what the answer was, yes joining Starfleet was a odd choice for her, but when she said it saved her life it did, "...survival," she finally said.

"What do you mean?" Amanda asked pleasantly. "Certainly you could survive and thrive elsewhere, no?"

"I mean, yes I am sure I can find way to survive elsewhere," Talee said trying to think of how to explain this, "....I am a Boomer, we are tough, so yes I could survive elsewhere, but at what cost?" She asked mostly to herself, "....life of a Boomer is not easy, always looking over our shoulder, always looking to make that little extra just to survive," she continued.

"...so yes I could have survived elsewhere, thrive, probably not," she quickly added, "Starfleet has provided things that I couldn't get if I had stayed where I was, Starfleet has provided the opportunity to thrive," she finally finished.

"Is that so?" Amanda asked, musing Talee's comments. There was no doubt that she believed it, even though objectively, it was not likely true. "How long have you been in Starfleet?"

"Almost a year," Talee said simply, {finally a question that I answer directly,} she thought.

"And you are that attached to it?" Amanda wondered aloud. "Then may I ask what happened that caused you to have mandatory sessions with me?" She smiled pleasantly at Talee, trying to keep her comfortable.

{Read my file, why in the hell do I have to tell you?} Talee thought, "...ma'am it is all in my file, but if I must," she said sounding annoyed, "had a disagreement with a superior on the best way of holding the ship together, and I knocked his ass out and saved the ship hence why I wasn't kicked out," she said simply.

Amanda nodded. "Tell me about the disagreement," she urged Talee.

"....like I said how to keep the ship together after taking heavy damage," Talee droned, "my superior wanted to take the cautious route, which would've costed lives many, many lives," Talee continued, but then quickly stopped trying to keep her cool and keep this professional.

"....but my route was not by the book or following Starfleet regulations, but again like I said saved the ship and saved those many many lives, but my superior couldn't....," but Talee stopped as she felt herself losing control.

"Couldn't what?" Amanda encouraged softly.

"...he couldn't see pass his own damn ego, to realize that a simple crewmen was right!" Talee blurted out shooting daggers with her eyes at the counselor.

"How did it get to be that you were in a position to deal directly with the Captain?" Amanda wondered aloud. "After all, as you said, you were a simple crewman. There would have been several enlisted and officers above you."

"Never said it was the captain," Talee angrily spat, curious if she read the incident report, "I punched out my superior officer, the chief engineer," she spat again growing impatient with this inane need to talk about every little detail of this incident, {hell, maybe it would have been better if I was just kicked out,} Talee wondered.

"I see," Amanda replied nodding. "And was whatever the CEO doing against recommended procedure?"

“No,” Talee said finally breaking, “did you even read about the incident, I mean it is all in there?” Talee said standing up and starting pacing, “...no the idi,” but she stopped, “....but the chief engineer didn’t think a lowly crewmen could have a good idea, and that was when I decked him, knocking his ass out, and did my idea which saved the ship and crew,” Talee said still pacing.

Amanda watched as Talee stalked the room, not commenting on Talee's presumption at all. Amanda's intent had always been to see how Talee felt, her perspective on the incident, and to take the opportunity to psychologically diagnose her. "Perhaps you did not give him an opportunity to consider your idea?" Amanda offered sweetly.

Talee's fists started to clench and unclench, "a are you seriously asking me that?!" {I mean has this bitch ever...,} her train of thought stopped, "....have you ever been on a ship that was about to be destroyed and you only have short window of time to stop that?"

"I have," Amanda responded honestly, letting silence fill the air for Talee to fill.

"....so you know what I mean, so I stand by what I did and how I did it, to save lives," Talee said still pacing her finger nails digging into her palms, where there were crescent shape scars from her doing this before.

"You stand by what you did. That's good. But what if you had been wrong?" Before Talee could get upset Amanda said, "Just hear me out, Okay? You were right this time. But what if there was another close call and you disagreed?"

"...." Talee opened her mouth and than closed it, and for the first time she was stumped, she was angry that she was stumped and angry that she couldn't lash out at her, "I I...um I don't know," her fingernails digging into her palms still which were now slightly bleeding.

Amanda smiled at Talee and took a dermal regenerator from inside her desk and kindly said, "Here, let me help out with that." She held the dermal regenerator out for Talee to see, waiting for permission to fix the small cuts.

Talee eventually took a seat again and held her hands open palms up, revealing actually pretty deep cuts, like the cuts healed and were ripped open anytime Talee clenched her fists. "Thanks," Talee said quietly.

"My pleasure," Amanda responded honestly. "So, how often do you do this to yourself?" Amanda asked softly and concerned.

"Enough that I don't notice anymore," Talee said with a shrug.

"Self harm is no better than harming others, Talee," Amanda informed the crewman. "So do you like living like this?" she asked sympathetically.

{No, I enjoy being this angry all the time, enjoy looking over my shoulder, enjoying not trusting anyone and yes I oh so enjoy this minor self-mutilation,} she thought fighting again to not roll eyes or sigh, "does anyone like living like this? Who have dealt with, who says yeah this is the life?" She asked unable to stave off the snark.

"So why do you embrace it so much, then?" Amanda countered.

"I...I am done," Talee said quickly standing up and walking out, that last question hitting too close to home.

Amanda shook her head. "I'm afraid that it is not that easy. You know that you're here each week and that is a condition of your staying on the ship." She sighed pleasantly. "Talee, there is no judgment here. I want to help."

Talee heard some of it, and she already knew the other part of it, so she kept moving as her mind raced with the what-ifs the biggest one being if she got kicked out of Starfleet.

"Tell me what you are thinking about, Talee," Amanda urged softly and in a non-pressured way. "Whatever it is, it is OK."

Talee was gone, already moving down the corridor, she knew this was gonna get her in trouble, but well she was done with the talking. She needed to hit something, truthfully it was never to hit someone it was always hit something.

Amanda sighed. To report her would probably damage their trust relationship. Her instincts told her that she did not think that she was a harm to anyone else and so far, the only harm to herself was her digging her nails into her own skin. It was unlikely that she would commit suicide because for some reason, Talee needed Starfleet. For now, I stay silent, Amanda finally decided. Confidentiality probably is not right to breach now and I do not think it would help our trust. Best to keep an eye on her. Next time, though, we set limits. Amanda moved back to her chair and took some detailed notes, saving them for her next session.

=/= End Log =/=

Lieutenant Amanda Rose
Chief Counselor
USS Ontario

Crewmen Apprentice Talee Malena
Structural/Environmental Specialist
USS Ontario

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