Words Unsaid - Part I

Posted on Tue Jun 3rd, 2025 @ 3:41pm by Lieutenant Xavier
Edited on on Tue Jun 3rd, 2025 @ 5:04pm

910 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Preservation Instinct
Location: Personal Quarters | USS Ontario

ON:

Xavier leaned back on the sofa starting up at the lights in his quarters. He was almost unpacked, there were a few things he had left to do but he'd get to it. His chest tightened with the anxiety that great change always brought and he could only think of one thing that would relieve it.

"Computer, begin Personal Log."

=/\= Personal log opened. Today's Stardate affixed. Begin when ready =/\= The computer droned back.

Xavier sighed.


My Dearest KERBEROS,

My personal logs have become less logs and more letters that I will never send because while we know one another's souls quite well there are some things I...would not admit to. For a start I would never tell you that you are the only entity in this universe that keeps me grounded and truly living within it.

I would never tell you that you are the first being on my mind when I wake and I think of what it would be like if we really met at night before I drift into nothingness and the nightmares of a past I wish to forget.

Right now, I'm anxious, there has been a lot of change around me and the only thought I have is the wish that I could see you, a thought that scares me more then anything. You asked, a few days ago when we spoke, why we haven't met in fifteen years. The answer a simple one that I did not, and will not, give. I am but a coward.

Part of me is so used to being rejected that I have developed a superstition to it. 'If I meet him, he will leave and never speak to me again.' All this followed by questions like 'Am I ever going to be good enough to stand in the same room as him?'

The truth is that I never expected that a simple correspondence would lead to....my heart aching every time that I have not heard from you in more then a day.

** Sigh ***

I had a horrible thought the other day. I wished that both our ships broke down since we seem to be in the same region and I get your messages several times a day. I do not think we have ever been in the same region of space where the messages get through this quick and now that I have had a taste I cannot give it up.

I wish that I was more courageous, more worthy. I should probably speak to the counselor about this but...I cannot. For some reason my instinct is to keep my feelings with respect to you locked deep inside. The counselor is perceptive so I have avoided her on this issue because I worry that confronting it will...make me want to do something rash like find you and confess that at some point, during these correspondences, between you and my heart began beating only for you.

Since I was a youth I never depended on anyone, my family, friends, but I have become dependent on your letters, on just knowing you are out there. How much more dependent would I become if we met? It is...frightening to me to feel so much when I have wanted to feel nothing for so long.

Perhaps this dream of you, of us, of being together is enough for now. Life is an endless trek over the Fire Plains of Raal and you are the life sustaining water that keeps me moving forward. THAT, that is the frightening part. I do not want to label that feeling for I am afraid of what it means and what would happen if I lost it.

** Sigh **

Perhaps I am being dramatic, perhaps I do need a counselor to tell me that I am wrong in feeling this way, that it is a phase that has lasted ... years but will go away soon.


Xavier rubbed his eyes. "Computer end log and delete."

There was a long pause before the computer responded and the response...sent a chill down Xavier's spine that had him sweating and gasping for breath.


=/\= Message saved coded and sent to KERBEROS via Starfleet Letter Exchange program. =/\=

"What?! No! NO! Stop transmitting. This was a log! This wasn't a letter."

=/\= Computer Proficiency improvement updates complete. Letter format recognized as log error. Letter redirected using parameters to SLEP. =/\=

"Stop Transmitting!"

=/\= Unable to comply. Communication sent and confirmed as received in inbox of party of address =/\=

"Well delete it!" His breathing became shallower, cold sweat dripping from his forehead.

=/\= You do not have sufficient permissions for that. =/\=

The room spun, his chest hurt like it had been repeatedly hit with a two by four, his heart threatening to hammer out of his chest. Dark spots entered the field of his vision and his stomach turned.

The cold voice of the computer penetrated the fog of his brake and sounded as if it was speaking to him through a barrel, =/\= Letter received, recipient opened and marked read. Thank you for using the new upgrades in the voice recognition software. You were one of several officers selected by base upgrades as the test subject for new upgrades.
Would you like to take a brief survey? =/\=

He tried to move, tried to speak but after two steps his body seemed to sink to the floor as darkness overtook him.

OFF:

=======

Lieutenant Xavier
Chief Flight Control Officer
USS Ontario

 

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