Part II - Demons of the Past

Posted on Fri Apr 18th, 2025 @ 3:15pm by Lieutenant Xavier

1,274 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: Preservation Instinct
Location: USS Lime House | Sickbay
Timeline: 1 Month Ago

ON:

"This is because of me," Surian said as he gazed upon his brother's unconscious form.

Lemming sighed. "If I said no would you believe me?"

"No." He paused. "He has every right to hate me. I did nothing to protect him as his older brother. I was a Starfleet Officer at the time of the incident you know? I had gone through the Academy and I did so to get away from our family. I knew, I KNEW, what it was doing to him to be at the house in the family. I was home from the Academy just after my first mission and I just stood there and let our family bully him to the point where I saw his soul shatter. Nobody stepped up for him. I didn't step up for him. I told myself I was protecting our sisters by getting them out of the house and when I returned he was gone."

Lemming said nothing. In all her years as a counselor she'd learned that sometimes, you just had to let people talk themselves out. When Surian spoke no further she said, "If you had it to do over what would you have done differently?"

Surian shrugged as he reached over and took Xavier's hand. "I would have stayed, fought for him, told him he wasn't alone. That is the sad truth of Xavier's life. His whole life, he was alone. I remember watching him researching things when we were growing up. When he had questions he didn't go to our parents or any of our brothers he turned to books. He raised himself you know." Surian spoke with clear pride in his voice. Pride in how well his brother had turned out despite all the set backs.

Lemming gave a nod. "I had an indication. He rarely talks about any family and to get something out of him that he is not willing to give is like pulling teeth.

Surian sighed. "Indeed. Our home, at least for Xavier, was a place of silence, being ignored until you were criticized and torn down. I didn't participate but I never stopped it. Then I left. I left him alone. I left the house because I couldn't handle how nasty things were and I was too afraid to say anything."

Lemming sighed. "Perhaps you need to back off for now. I know you said you wanted to apologize to start fresh to build a relationship but he's not ready."

Surian let go of Xavier's hand and turned to face Lemming. "So this is because of me. He had this..." Surian gestured to Xavier.

"Panic attack," Lemming supplied.

"Panic attack. It was because of me," Surian continued.

"He has spent a life time avoiding his demons and when the past caught up to him...his system could not handle it. He refuses counseling, as you say he researches things for himself. I know he has anxiety episodes, he hates change and he starts over a lot. You need to give him time and I think that this transfer will do him good."

Surian turned to face the counselor again. "I will loose him, again. I worked so hard to get on the same ship and I will loose him again. Maybe for good."

"No, not for good. You will be apart but keep trying. I've done my research. Amanda Rose is a hell of a counselor and she'll get him to open up. Your brother will be ready to hear your apology just perhaps not right away."

Surian sighed. "I've also done research when I saw his transfer orders. Grace Vetur is a good Captain. I think she may work well with his ... eccentricities."

Lemming laughed. "You don't think she'll have a problem with her pilot flying barefoot?"

Surian allowed himself a smile, "I have heard it's the only way to fly." He sighed. "I'll leave then. I don't want to be here when he wakes up to cause him more distress."

Lemming put a hand on his arm. "Let's leave our personal relationship at the door for a moment. As ships counselor I suggest before you go you tell him what you wanted to say. He may not hear it but...it will help you move past one of your blocks."

Surian raised an eyebrow. "I have no blocks, I am perfectly healthy."

Lemming grinned. "Don't make me roll my eyes at you Commander."

"Alright Counselor. I shall try."

Surian faced his brother taking his hand. "I'm sorry Xander...Xavier. I know you hate that name Xander but the story of how you got it...well I gave it to you. When you were born I was the one who held you, I played the roll of parent until you were older until you started school and then I distanced myself and it is my greatest regret. I ... did not want to lose our parent's care myself so I let you go at it alone. I am more sorry then you will ever know."

Surian released shaky breath. "I wish to make amends and to start over with you, to build a relationship and be the brother that I was not." He let go of Xavier's hand. "I think that is it for now."

Lemming placed a gentle hand on Surian's arm again. "Alright then. Let's let him rest."

The door to the respite rooms, as Doctor Anderson called them, hissed open and Xavier exhaled his own shaky breath. His eyes opened and a tear slid down the side of his temple.

The Betazoid counselor's voice filtered through his mind, I know you were conscious. I hope hearing Surian speak will start your healing. Think about it Xavier. He's hurting as much as you are and I don't say this as ships counselor but as your sister-in-law. My husband is hurting as much as you are. It's time to let go and heal. Think about it.

Xavier was thinking about it. When you grew up in a place where you thoughts, feelings, emotions were all used against you constantly you learned that kindness could be used as manipulation and trust was not a luxury you could afford if you wanted to survive emotionally. He'd been awake the whole time and he should have guessed Lemming knew it. He'd heard his brother but, by the Bident of Hades he didn't believe him. After everything he couldn't afford to let his guard down.

Xavier had learned from an early age that he was on his own. If he lived, thrived, survived it was up to him. Nobody would help him. Nobody would be there for him. His hands fisted the sheets. He needed to go, leave. Forget tomorrow he'd leave tonight. Forget organization and his OCD about how things are folded and packed he would shove everything in his crates and then pack properly when he arrived at Station Riversong. If there were no guest quarters he'd sleep on the promenade. It was not the first time he'd been homeless.

An itch started under his skin and he sat up ignoring the dizziness and tossing the sheet aside. "Doctor!" He would leave against medical advice fly fast and fly true and leave the place that was taking his peace from him. His peace and sanity had flown out the window the moment Surian had taken over as XO months ago and frankly while he didn't think he had another fresh start in him he would find it. He always found the fire to push through; to survive.

OFF:


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Lieutenant Xavier
Chief Flight Control Officer
USS Ontario

 

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