Mandated to be here

Posted on Sat May 3rd, 2025 @ 1:35am by Lieutenant Amanda Rose & Lieutenant Xavier

1,818 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Preservation Instinct
Location: Counseling Office | USS Ontario
Timeline: Current

ON:

Xavier stared at the door. He was here. He didn't want to be here, but his previous counselor told him he had to be here. It was standard to have an onboarding in medical and counseling but...he hoped that's all it was. He hoped that Counselor Lemming hadn't yet had time to talk to the new counselor about the incident before he left. He wasn't ready for that.

In his mind he went over his routine to ensure he'd done what he needed to make the day go smoothly. There had been the blip with T'Avia, the nasty little Vulcan next door but that shouldn't throw off his day....should it?

Sighing he pressed the chime. It was too late now.

Amanda heard the chime and said, "Come in, please!" She had just enough time to review bits and pieces of Xavier's file - enough to know that it was recommended that he have mandatory counseling. It seemed that he had a unique upbringing on Vulcan and was of mixed Vulcan and Romulan heritage. That story was something that she wanted to hear more about.

Amanda's office had two plush armchairs facing a cozy, curved couch—arranged conversationally, not confrontationally. Everything in the office was low to the ground. Her own desk was small, oval-shaped, and pushed to the side—not the central focus of the room. There also was a reading nook: A low chaise lounge by a rose-gold colored bookshelf, with a soft fleece throw draped casually.

As Xavier came in, she walked over to one of the chairs and sat down. "Sit where you would like, Xavier."

Xavier, eyes wide and weary, walked in. "I'm here for my... onboarding session." He hoped. He walked in slowly and eased down.

Amanda looked at Xavier with a knowing glance. "Are you certain that's the only reason that you are here?"

"Ah...I see counselor Lemming's call has...arrived before I have." He sighed. "I...honestly do not require counseling."

"No?" Amanda asked softly, tilting her head slightly to the right. "Why would you think that?"

"I have always been able to adapt and since the trigger of what Lemming called my...anxiety on the Lime House is gone I shall recover fully in a few days. What happened is not happening again." He hoped.

"How can you be so sure?" Amanda prodded. "Can you be so certain of what the cause was on your previous ship?"

"Yes, the presence of my XO." He sighed. "I have had these ... panic issues before and have always dealt with them. They are not an issue." He looked at the floor. "I have been talking care of myself for a long time."

"Why do you think it is the presence of your former XO? What's the significance of that?" Amanda asked, continuing to prod. "And, I would hope that you are taking care of yourself, but in what regard?"

Well Lemming had held something back. He sighed. "The new XO was one of my older brothers. I do not speak with my family." He said coldly. "As for taking care of myself...well that I have been doing since I was a child. When I had a question, I found the answer myself either via books or consulting holo vids done by experts. I've learned that to rely on others is to give them an undeserved power over oneself."

Amanda's eyebrows raised lightly at that last comment. Trust was going to be an issue with Xavier and she was going to have to find a way to help him learn to trust others, as well. "I can imagine that would be uncomfortable having an older brother as an XO. I have two younger brothers and one younger sister. They're not my siblings by blood, though. I was adopted by my step-father when I was very young.... Sorry about the tangent. Anyways, I love them and sometimes it is very difficult to work with people that you love. After all, you've had years and years to pick on one another and such.... Then for one to have authority over the other.... It must be an uncomfortable dynamic."

Raising an eyebrow he shrugged. "The fact that your step-father adopted you is good. It meant you were wanted.
Love is not the issue in my case. There is no love. I left home at 17 after...." He shook his head. This one was easy to talk to; he would have to watch himself. "I left at 17 and went to Earth. My brother, the XO, was in Starfleet at the time but I've had no contact with him or them since then so...." He turned his face to her bookshelves. He was feeling the tightness in his chest that told him anxiety was present, so he looked at the books she had. It calmed him.

Amanda smiled, knowing she had hit something. He was so close. Maybe she could reel him in another way. "You like the bookshelves? Do you like to read?" she asked completely off the cuff.

"Indeed. It is a most calming habit. I have one crate with 100 books that I have to put on the shelves. I prefer the physical copy. Your library is impressive. It has always been my goal to build one."

"What's your favorite genre of books? Personally, I'm a sucker for a good romance book. Unfortunately, my life works nothing like that." She abruptly coughed and excused herself before saying, "It is a nice escape, though."

"I read what I can. I like Fantasy, history...everything really. Romances are good as well but as you say life doesn't work that way and love is a myth to help a being get through the day. Perhaps sad realities but logical ones nonetheless." He paused. "But as you say it is an escape from the real world."

"Why do you say that it is logical?" Amanda prodded again.

"Because it is. Love is a myth and a lie that parents tell their children, siblings and couples tell one another. It is prized and written about so much that often times I find some, who haven't figured out that it is just a story, a myth and escape mechanism, those who haven't figured it out cling to it and it destroys them and their emotional well being. When you are able to see it for what it is then you are able to enjoy the story and continue to move through life without distraction." He shrugged but what he wanted to do was grimace. Dang it all! This counselor was dangerous he had to come up with an avoidance strategy.

Amanda leaned in and told Xavier softly. "Love is not a myth. In fact, did you know that there's actually chemical proof that it does exist? Brainwaves will react in certain ways to people that love others." She leaned back slightly and thoughtfully, "I just have to wonder, Xavier, who has hurt you so badly that you do not want to believe in love?"

He was speechless for a moment. He stared at the counselor. "Vulcans have no emotions, we cannot therefore be hurt." It sounded like a hollow argument to his own ears. He looked away, finding the carpet suddenly fascinating.

"Actually, Xavier, Vulcans have emotions. They suppress them except during pon farr. From what I am told they are much stronger than those in humans." She leaned back towards Xavier, "Are you ashamed of your emotions?"

There was a long silence. "Shame ... I do not think so. I know what shame is. It is what my father felt when he left his Romulan home and family to chase a life devoted to Surak. It is something that was felt about me... probably since birth but it is not something I have felt, not in a long time. Perhaps I once did have emotions, counselor but at this time I am free of such....liabilities."

He stood and walked over to her bookshelf lovingly running his hands over the spines until he pulled a book out. "I read about emotions. I see them on paper but that is all. My life is ordered. It was once chaos but now it is order and schedules and that is all." He held up the book. "I read this one. It's about two people who lived on different worlds and fell in love almost across a galaxy. Romantic, fulfilling but...in the end, words on paper." He sighed as he put it back and then walked back to his seat. "I am mandated to be here, but I do not need it. I am... married to my job. I live life like I always have. I get up, I react to the day, I complete my lists, I fly the ships that I am entrusted with and that, for me at least, is enough." He sat back down. "Somethings, counselor, are broken beyond repair."

Amanda smiled sadly at Xavier. "I know that you want to believe that, but none of it is true. In fact, Xavier, my initial opinion is that is why you are having the difficulties that you are. You are welcome to prove me wrong, if you would like," she told Xavier pleasantly.

"But why read about emotions if you do not care about them? Order is important, but so is chaos. Your Romulan half knows that well."

He gave a small nod. "Well, I think that the hour is up. I believe humans have a saying. Saved by the bell."

"Do I make you that uneasy, Xavier?"

Yes His face a mask of calm he said, "Not at all. I simply believe that this first...meeting was productive, and I value your time. This was simply an onboarding hello, and I had heard that staff is on shore leave so I do not wish to take your time. We shall meet again, I'm sure." Not if I could help it He would make it a point to put these meetings off. The woman had pulled more out of him then anyone. This ship was....dangerous to his sanity...well secrets.

Amanda gave a short, soft laugh and a knowing smile at Xavier. "Yes, we will see each other again...right after shore leave is complete. I'm certain that you will be avoiding me until then, unless I miss my guess."

His mouth dropped open a bit before he closed it. "I should go tend to my pets...." He stood and then bowed. "Thank you Counselor." He hurried out the door lest she change her mind.

Pets? Interesting. Something more to explore with him next time. Certainly not logical to have pets. It is an emotional bond. Well.... Lots of work here, but it will be rewarding.


Lieutenant Amanda Rose
Chief Counselor
USS Ontario

&

Lieutenant Xavier
Chief Flight Control Officer
USS Ontario

 

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